In With the Green, Out With the Green

My mom called a Bruja.

Well, I'm not sure if that's her technical name, but she's a Puerto Rican woman who reads Tarot cards, and practices magic. She came to my mom's house and read her Tarot cards and she'll be back to cleanse the home with the rest of her, let's say for convenience sake, coven, which I desperately want to film.

She told her that her cancer was Karma from holding in too many things that she should've let out. This is not a shock to the women in our family. We all have a tendency to hold things in to maintain a sense of class or dignity. Crying does not happen often and we typically refrain from letting others know exactly how we feel, well except for my sister that is, but again, red head so...that's a whole different ball game. She said that she doesn't see death from this; my mom has too many things to get in order before she goes, which, in my opinion, made her visit worth while because we can't have too much hope. Although, she then told her that if I'm not careful, the next man in my life will be the same person with a different name....GRREEAAAAT. She told her that she needed to eat more greens and get rid of all of her green clothing items as she believes that wearing green metastasizes cancer.

I've been doing some research on the Alkaline diet, which is basically vegetarian. When we ask about diet it almost feels like the doctors are giving up. Besides telling her to stay away from flax seed, they say stay away from things that are difficult to digest, like popcorn, but let her eat what she wants and enjoy her time. For me that's ridiculous. If you're going to literally poison yourself with chemo, why not fight off the cancer with full force. They are worried about her losing too much weight, which I understand, but she could at least stop her sugar intake. One night she got up and went to the fridge looking for a bag of brownies and accidentally pulled out a piece of cold meatloaf and took a big bite. She was trying not to wake anyone up and it was dark, but the second she took that bite, all the lights were on. If that doesn't give her aversion to sweets I don't know what will.  Of course when the Bruja shows up, now she wants to change her diet...She also has a trash bag full of green clothes if anyone is interested? And tiny white candles burning with secret papers under them...Had I known it would take magic to convince her I would've called the Bruja myself.

My mom named her tumor Joffrey; as in evil king from Game of the Porcelain Throne. Now that would be an interesting spin off. She's saddened that her days of "being a liberated woman" are over. By this she means she no longer feels comfortable going commando. I wasn't sure how I felt about knowing that about her, but now you know it too so we can suffer together.  She asked my sister to get out a pen and paper and write down ALL of the names of ALL the people who have impacted her life. My sister sits down ready for this long list of special people with intelligence and humor and she writes down the names...ALL four of them. So now my mom thinks she has chemo brain as she can't recall ALL of the names and calls my dog a cat and insists we start wearing name tags to family events, just in case.

I think the funniest story of the week, however, has to go to the day my mom felt good enough to go to the grocery store. On her way home she got a terrible nose bleed and searched through her purse to find a Kleenex, but all she found was what felt like a "napkin in a package, like from a fast food place." She was driving so she didn't look at it as she opened it and put it in her nose. Suddenly, she was inhaling chemicals and realized she had unknowingly shoved a Dash Wipe deep into her nostril. Then she worried what the cops would think if they pulled her over in that moment.

Someone had the nerve to Facebook her and say that they have "never seen anyone exploit their sickness like (she) does" and that "people suffer from stage four cancer, but no one made an announcement like (her)." So here's my mom, riddled with trying to tie up lose ends and get things done before her next chemo round (Wednesday), which she is terrified of, and she has to deal with this bullshit! I gotta tell ya, when I read the message from this woman, who is clearly projecting her issues onto my mom, that whole Bruja's warning was loud and clear. Suddenly, years of restraint and maintaining the peace for the sake of grace flew right out the window. Had I run into that lady today, she would've gotten 30 years of crap that I have tolerated from every mean girl, unworthy mate, insufferable co-worker, skank home wrecker, and fake friend. All of the people who have projected their insecurities and issues onto me and my family over the years and especially this past year would've made me a savage. Never in a million years did I think the mean girls followed you to your death bed. Then I remembered...We have a Bruja now. Be afraid bitches, be very afraid.

I will end this post with the words of Ani Difranco:

"God help you if you are an ugly girl

Course too pretty is also your doom

For everyone harbors a secret hatred 

For the prettiest girl in the room

And God help you if you are a phoenix 

And you dare to rise up from the ash

A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy 

While you are just flying past

Now I'll never try to give my life meaning 

By demeaning you

And I would like to state for the record 

I did everything that I could do

I'm not saying that I am a saint

I just don't want to live that way

No, I will never be a saint 

But I will always say

Squint your eyes and look closer

I'm not between you and your ambition

I am a poster girl with no poster

 I am 32 flavors and then some

And I'm beyond your peripheral vision

So you might wanna turn your head

'Cause someday you might find you are starving

And eating all of the words you just said"