The Puke Bucket List

I'd like to start this post by giving a shout out to Game of Thrones for scheduling the season premiere for tonight. It's a good reminder that life could be worse. Winter could be coming. I could be unknowingly sleeping with my nephew. Real talk, I should be watching 'The Red Wedding' on loop just to be sure that I truly count my blessings.

Mom went to Chemo this week. Going in for her pump placement was the first time she really felt scared. She had many visitors, for which we are grateful. I would've gone, but I have a trove of minions following me who are currently too overwhelming and full of germs for her company. She did mention I could bring them over one at a time- #thingspeoplewhodon'thavefourchildrensay. After chemo, she went home and called her cat a "bitch." I know they mentioned Tourette syndrome being a possible side effect as well as mood swings, but I wasn't sure if this fell under either of those.

I've had a few people reach out to me regarding helping with the Zen garden and I'm super excited about it. My mom is too, but she was also relieved that the high winds this week didn't take out the penis fountain. This morning she said, "I love it when the sun shines. It even makes my penis beautiful!" She's tired and thinking it may be too much to go back to work tomorrow. The port location is super sore and bruised and she has a difficult time riding in the car and breathing without coughing. The nurse called cancer "the great equalizer" because it doesn't discriminate. My mom does, however, as she called the nurse from the ER a "maniac" for failing to get her IV in numerous times. When asked what she needs during chemo she replies, "a cabana boy to deliver my margaritas." It sucks that cold aversion is common after chemo because she loves iced beverages and prefers not to wear gloves in the middle of summer at the grocery store. They gave her her final round of chemo in a fanny pack to finish at home to which she replied, "great, now I'm officially going to look like one of those people from Walmart."


We've been working on creating her bucket list. It's really difficult for us to hear her say that she has so many things she still wants to do with her life.  She wants to learn how to swim.  She had a couple traumatic incidents in water as a kid and never learned how. It's funny because one of her favorite things to do is to lay in the sun on a pool float. I have many amusing childhood memories of her accidentally floating to the center of the pool and freaking out. Taking family pictures and making videos for the family was brought up so we will get on that ASAP. She also says she wants to go on a girl's trip to Europe, but at the same time she says she wants to stay home with family and have Thanksgiving once a month.  So we are going to focus on the Zen garden and go from there until she can get her thoughts together.

I recently paid for a trip to Costa Rica for my level II/III yoga training. I felt like I was going to get flack from my ex, but then she joked that she would cover for me and tell him that me going was a part of her bucket list. She said she'd throw in me getting a boob job too, which tells me she's still my mom as even when she's sick she manages to give me a complex about something. That's okay though, when she discussed the possibility of losing her hair, I told her she could borrow my Halloween costume for this year. A group of girls from my gym want to dress as iconic looks of Britney Spears. Clearly the one I'd relate to most now is bald Britney with the umbrella. I told her all she had to do was walk around and hit people's cameras with her umbrella. I think she's down to try it. Now that would be an epic family video to throw on at Thanksgiving dinners.

It's been an exhausting week. We are doing the best we can and my mom is a badass. Fu@k cancer.